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Thursday, 03 December 2009

  • Maybe it's more than just teen angst.

    "I’m not amazing," I said flatly.

    "Yes you are! You just don’t see the potential you hold. You’re in too dark of a place right now." Zuri persisted.

    I thought about it, I know I‘m not amazing, but I‘ll play her little game. And if I am ‘amazing‘ how can I stop from being it? Would she know? "If I die, will that stop me from being amazing?" I asked. After all, this rope can’t hold me forever, can it?

    "No, if you die it’ll make you another statistic, Alex." She paused, "It’ll make you a tragedy. Get your head out of the gutter." Her eyes began to take on a glassy glaze; they were starting to swell with tears. A tragedy? A statistic? Does it really matter what they label me as? I’ll be dead, why would I care? Either way, at least I’ll be remembered for something, right? Either the look on my face told her what I was thinking of, or she simply knew me that well. Tears were no longer swelling behind her eyes, they were sliding down her cheeks and falling to the floor. "Jesus Christ, Alex!" she pounded her fist on my shoulder. Not with any real force, just enough to let me know she was hurting, and hurting badly. I was holding her, she was crying and I was shocked. Shocked that she cared this much. Shocked that I’d put her through this much pain. And then, it happened. Tears started to form behind my eyes; I tried to blink them away, but that was useless, more just accumulated. It became too much for my eyes to hold back. It was like a wall was broken that day; I’d like to s ay I only cried a little and that in all, I was rather manly about it with Zuri, but in all honesty, she ended up holding me. I wasn’t just crying, I was sobbing, sobbing worse than Zuri was. I started to shake, shake from the sobs, shake from my fear, shake from the emptiness I felt within.

    "Every eighteen minutes, someone, somewhere commits suicide. Every day, eighty Americans have taken their own lives, and more than nineteen hundred are seen in hospital emergency rooms for self-inflicted injury." I began, god, I hope they like it. I took a deep breath and continued, "Want to know something shocking? There were approximately three million people between the ages of twelve and seventeen to have seriously thought about killing themselves. Something worse, more than one third, thirty-seven percent is said to have attempted to kill themselves. These statistics are based on a study done in 2000, if you think about it today; the numbers are probably much higher. It has been said, that in the last few decades, suicide rates have sky rocketed. How is it that four percent of preschoolers are diagnosed with clinical depression? Honestly, what has our world come to that our children are learning about the harshness of reality before they even attend school? To be diagnosed with clinical depression you have to exhibit more than just a slight sad feeling every now and then- you must feel it constantly. This sadness is overwhelming; it’s truly intolerable. Anyone who has ever felt it- even a brief moment of it will know what I’m talking about. If not, than you may be part of the fifty-four percent of people who believe depression is a personal weakness. I have news for you; it’s not." I paused,

    "Sometimes I feel as if there is a tidal wave crashing down on me, except, it’s not water that’s falling from it; it’s my emotions. I feel sad, but I have no sorrows. I feel lost, yet I’m home. I feel dead, but I’m still breathing. Hi, my name is Alex, and in early 2007 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For those of you here that are unsure of what that is, it’s a mental illness. It’s said not to be completely life long; that it is manageable. Borderlines face many great challenges. Not everyone with this disorder has the same symptoms. You see, this personality disorder it unlike and at the same time, very similar to many other disorders. You’re diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when you show symptoms of several disorders, but not enough to be given the diagnosis of said illness." I looked up into the audience, I was astounded by how many people actually showed up. However, I was terrified; I had never shared my story with anyone other than family and a few close friends, let alone an audience of strangers. They all had the same look on their face, quiet intrigue. "I have the most common form, and I have all the criteria for said disorder. Everyday, I face the fear of abandonment. Whether it be real or imagined. I know my parents and friends aren’t going to leave me; not purposefully anyway, yet whenever an issue arises, my mind still races. I tend to follow a pattern of unstable relationships. Whether they be intimate or not. I’ll go back and forth from idolizing said person to completely loathing them. I won’t be able to stand looking at them, let alone speaking with them. I’ll cut off all connections and then I’ll feel like I need or want them back in my life. They’ve once more become important to me. Not everyone I meet understands this. I can easily go back and forth between the two in days. Unfortunately, this tends to end a lot of friendships.

    Have you ever had doubt in yourself? Many of us have. Now take that doubt, and multiply it. Take that doubt and turn it into a doubt you have about your identity- who you want to be in life. My mind changes constantly. It’s as if there’s a war being fought inside of me. One side is screaming to do the right things, to do my very best in life; however, the other sides screams back and just as loudly. This side is more of the- I guess you could say, socially unacceptable side. This side screams at me to become a drug addict- no joke. This side of me tells me to give up because I have no hope; that I’ll never accomplish any of my dreams. It tells me to bury my fears in drugs and alcohol. I tend to be rather impulsive as well. Often times, what happens is I’ll give into the socially unacceptable side of me. I’ll indulge in potentially self-damaging activities; whether it be substance abuse or promiscuity. That’s another one of my problems. I went through this phase of pure carnal desire. Honestly, I was shocked to find out I didn’t catch AIDS or genital warts.

    I have what’s called ‘dissociative symptoms’. These are feelings of unreality. You know when you watch a film? How you’re seeing it from a third person perspective, or you’re playing a video game and all you can see on the screen are your arms and your gun? That’s what it like. You’re aware of your body, your presence, but it doesn’t feel as if it belongs to you. You can hear yourself speak, but their not your words. When you look in the mirror, you see your reflection, yet it’s not your eyes you see staring back at you.

    I learnt all of this the hard way. I’ve been to rehab centres, and mental health hospitals, it wasn’t until my late teens that I had finally been diagnosed with said disorder. I always knew there was something wrong with me. The doctors would tell me I was clinically depressed or suffered from severe anxiety, however, I knew that wasn’t the case. Don’t ask me how I knew, it was just a feeling I had. Some days, I’d feel okay. I’d feel as if the day before I had simply been over reacting about everything. Yet, I know that when it hit two in the morning, and I’m laying in bed awake, I know that there is something wrong with me. Deep down, there is something that isn’t quite right. Have you ever had that feeling? Have you ever felt like something in you is broken and no one seems to know how to fix it?

    I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t feel different from everyone else I knew. I’ve always felt like an outcast, no matter whom I was with. I just never fit in or got along with other kids. It’s not that I didn’t try, I did. And I had plenty of friends, I just never felt any sort of connection towards them. Sometimes I wonder if they ever really felt one towards me.

    My world will never be as stable as yours. There will always be some sort of chaos thrown into the mix, there will always be a dash of depression added in every recipe." I continued on, informing the audience of daily challenges, how it felt before I knew what was going on. I even shared some stories with them about my past. I told the audience tales I never thought I’d live to see the day they’d be heard, let alone heard by a large audience.

    "Let's take a walk on the red side of the street. It could be a one night stand, or an affair that'll last a lifetime. The choice is yours, but choose wisely. This habit is heard to break." And that was my story, when I finished, I was still staring at my page, I had nearly forgotten about the audience all together. I guess I was lost in a reverie of the past. I looked up, unsure if people were even still there; but they were. Some had a confused look on their face, others showed pity, some showed an unexplainable joy, like they were happy for me. Strangers were happy for me. And then, all of a sudden it was as if something burst. They started clapping wildly and loudly, some people even stood to their feet, cheering me on. I smiled shyly and looked down. Maybe life isn’t so bad after all. I thanked the audience for their time, waved and walked off the stage. This festival isn’t too bad after all, I thought to myself. Perhaps I’ll come back next year. What was it called again? For- no, that’s not it… Ah! Yes! The Frye Festival.

    I walked off the back side of the stage and there she was with a smile beaming across her face, "I’m so proud of you!" she exclaimed. "See! I knew you could do it! It was a smash!"

    I blushed and murmured thanks. I guess I forgot to tell you that Zuri and I recently got married. She’s the love of my life and then some. She’s been there for me through thick and thin. I’ve been able to lean on her more than once. It’s true what they say, you can overcome Borderline Personality Disorder; it just takes time and the help of caring people- people like Zuri.

    Sadly, everyone will be affected by depression at some point, whether it be their own or that of a loved one. There are people out there who go to sleep at night wishing with all their might that they won’t wake up in the morning. Too many people feel this way and too many of these wishes come true. In 1997, thirty thousand and five hundred and twenty-five people committed suicide. In 1996, there was an estimated five hundred thousand suicide attempts. Scientists say that by 2020, depression will the be the second largest killer after heart disease. Don’t let someone you know die. Some people are able to wait out their depression, but sometimes waiting just takes too long. If you ever meet someone who’s struggling to keep their head above the water, take the time to wake them up. Sometimes, all they need is someone to talk to. Be to them what Zuri was to me.

     

     

     

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • New Story. Same characters.

    "I’m not amazing," I said flatly.

    "Yes you are! You just don’t see the potential you hold. You’re in too dark of a place right now." Zuri persisted.

    I thought about it, I know I‘m not amazing, but I‘ll play her little game. And if I am ‘amazing‘ how can I stop from being it? Would she know? "If I die, will that stop me from being amazing?" I asked. After all, this rope can’t hold me forever, can it?

    "No, if you die it’ll make you another statistic, Alex." She paused, "It’ll make you a tragedy." Her eyes began to take on a glassy glaze; they were starting to swell with tears. A tragedy? A statistic? Does it really matter what they label me as? I’ll be dead, why would I care? Either way, at least I’ll be remembered for something, right? Either the look on my face told her what I was thinking of, or she simply knew me that well. Tears were no longer swelling behind her eyes, they were sliding down her cheeks and falling to the floor. "Jesus Christ, Alex!" she pounded her fist on my shoulder. Not with any real force, just enough to let me know she was hurting, and hurting badly. I was holding her, she was crying and I was shocked. Shocked that she cared this much. Shocked that I’d put her through this much pain. And then, it happened. Tears started to form behind my eyes; I tried to blink them away, but that was useless, more just accumulated. It became too much for my eyes to hold back. It was like a wall was broken that day; I’d like to s ay I only cried a little and that in all, I was rather manly about it with Zuri, but in all honesty, she ended up holding me. I wasn’t just crying, I was sobbing, sobbing worse than Zuri was. I started to shake, shake from the sobs, shake from my fear, shake from the emptiness I felt within.

    "Every eighteen minutes, someone, somewhere commits suicide. Every day, eighteen Americans have taken their own lives, and more than nineteen hundred are seen in hospital emergency rooms for self-inflicted injury." I began, god, I hope they like it. I took a deep breath and continued, "Want to know something shocking? There were approximately three million people between the ages of twelve and seventeen to have seriously thought about killing themselves. Something worse, more than one third, thirty-seven percent is said to have attempted to kill themselves. These statistics are based on a study done in 2000, if you think about it today; the numbers are probably much higher. It has been said, that in the last few decades, suicide rates have sky rocketed. How is it that four percent of preschoolers are diagnosed with clinical depression? Honestly, what has our world come to that our children are learning about the harshness of reality before they even attend school? The be diagnosed with clinical depression you have to exhibit more than just a slight sad feeling every now and then- you must feel it constantly. This sadness is overwhelming; it’s truly intolerable. Anyone who has ever felt it- even a brief moment of it will know what I’m talking about. If not, than you may be part of the fifty-four percent of people who believe depression is a personal weakness. I have news for you; it’s not.

    In early 2007 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For those of you here that are unsure of what that is, it’s a mental illness. It’s said not to be completely life long; that it is manageable. Borderlines face many great challenges. Not everyone with this disorder has the same symptoms. You see, this personality disorder it unlike and at the same time, very similar to many other disorders. You’re diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when you show symptoms of several disorder, but not enough to be given the diagnosis of said illness." I looked up into the audience, I was astounded by how many people actually showed up. However, I was terrified; I had never shared my story with anyone other than family and a few close friends, let alone an audience of strangers. They all had the same look on their face, quiet intrigue. "I have the most common form, and I have all the criteria for said disorder. Everyday, I face the fear of abandonment. Whether it be real or imagined. I know my parents and friends aren’t going to leave me; not purposefully anyway, yet whenever an issue arises, my mind still races. I tend to follow a pattern of unstable relationships. Whether they be intimate or not. I’ll go back and forth from idolizing said person to completely loathing them. I won’t be able to stand looking at them, let alone speaking with them. I’ll cut off all connections and then I’ll feel like I need or want them back in my life. They’ve once more become important to me. Not everyone I meet understands this. I can easily go back and forth between the two in days. Unfortunately, this tends to end a lot of friendships.

    Have you ever had doubt in yourself? Many of us have. Now take that doubt, and multiply it. Take that doubt and turn it into a doubt you have about your identity- who you want to be in life. My mind changes constantly. It’s as if there’s a war being fought inside of me. One side is screaming to be do the right things, to do my very best in life; however, the other sides screams back and just as loudly. This side is more of the- I guess you could say, socially unacceptable side. This side screams at me to become a drug addict- no joke. This side of me tells me to give up because I have no hope. I’ll never accomplish any of my dreams. It tells me to bury my fears in drugs and alcohol. I tend to be rather impulsive as well. Often times, what happens is I’ll give into the socially unacceptable side of me. I’ll indulge in potentially self-damaging activities; whether it be substance abuse or promiscuity. That’s another one of my problems. I went through this phase of pure carnal desire. Honestly, I was shocked to find out I didn’t catch AIDS or genital warts.

    I tend to fall into deep bouts of depression. They never last too long of a period, however, when they come I really hit low. Sometimes, to make myself feel better I’ll take a razor blade and scar my body. I always do it in places people will never see, it embarrasses me more than not. Something soothes my soul when I see the blood rush to the surface and I feel the pain or my skin breaking. At least it’s not as lethal as suicide- that’s what I tell my therapist. They can never argue that fact with me, I never do it in a harmful place. I just need to feel real sometimes. I have what’s called ‘dissociative symptoms’. These are feelings of unreality. You know when you watch a film? How you’re seeing it from a third person perspective, or you’re playing a video game and all you can see on the screen are your arms and your gun? That’s what it like. You’re aware of your body, your presence, but it doesn’t feel as if it belongs to you. You can hear yourself speak, but their not your words. When you look in the mirror, you see your reflection, yet it’s not your eyes you see staring back at you.

    I learnt all of this the hard way. I’ve been to rehab centres, mental health hospitals, it wasn’t until my late teens that I had finally been diagnosed with said disorder. I always knew there was something wrong with me. The doctors would tell me I was clinically depressed or suffered from severe anxiety, however, I knew that wasn’t the case. Don’t ask me how I knew, it was just a feeling I had. Some days I’d feel okay. I’d feel as if the day before I had simply been over reacting about everything. Yet, I know that when it hit two in the morning, and I’m laying in bed awake, I know that there is something wrong with me. Deep down, there is something that isn’t quite right. Have you ever had that feeling? Have you ever felt like something in you is broken?

    I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t feel different from everyone else I knew. I’ve always felt like an outcast, no matter whom I was with. I just never fit in or got along with other kids. It’s not that I didn’t try, I did. And I had plenty of friends, I just never felt any sort of connection towards them. Sometimes I wonder if they ever really felt one towards me." And there it was, my story. Here I was, two years later, still trying to recover from all the harm I had done to my body as a misguided eighteen year old. I had too much freedom and too little stability in my life.

    I was still staring at my page, I had nearly forgotten about the audience all together. I guess I was lost in a reverie of the past. I looked up, unsure if people were even still there; but they were. Some had a confused look on their face, others showed pity, some showed an unexplainable joy, like they were happy for me. Strangers were happy for me. And then, all of a sudden it was as if something burst. They started clapping wildly and loudly, some people even stood to their feet, cheering me on. I smiled shyly and looked down. Maybe life isn’t so bad after all. I thanked the audience for their time, waved and walked off the stage. This festival isn’t too bad after all, I thought to myself. Maybe I’ll come back next year. What was it called again? For- no, that’s not it… Ah! Frye Festival. Yes, I cannot wait.

    I walked off the back side of the stage and there she was with a smile beaming across her face, "I’m so proud of you!" she exclaimed. "See! I knew you could do it! It was a smash!"

    I blushed and murmured thanks. I guess I forgot to tell you that Zuri and I recently got married. She’s the love of my life and then some. She’s been there for me through thick and thin. I’ve been able to lean on her more than once. She’ll be expecting in 3 more months, and never in my life have things looked brighter. It’s true what they say, you can overcome Borderline Personality Disorder; it just takes time and the help of caring people- people like Zuri.

    Sadly, everyone will be affected by depression at some point, whether it be their own or that of a loved one. There are people out there who go to sleep at night wishing with all their might that they won’t wake up in the morning. Too many people feel this way and too many of these wishes come true. In 1997, thirty thousand and five hundred and twenty-five people committed suicide. In 1996, there was an estimated five hundred thousand suicide attempts. The reason for the estimation is because not everyone who attempts to commit suicide succeeds, many don’t know what they’re doing and are just mixing cold and flu medicines. However, some are much more experienced in this area- unfortunately and they suffer from potentially fatal self inflicted injuries. Scientists say that by 2020, depression will the be the second largest killer after heart disease. Don’t let someone you know die. Some people are able to get through depression on their own, without the help of others, sometimes they can wait it out. But sometimes waiting just takes too long. So if you ever meet someone who’s struggling to keep their head above the water, please, take the time to wake them up. Sometimes, all they need is someone to talk to. Be to them what Zuri was to me.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

  • Alex, againwith like 4 more pages written? LOL

    "I’m not amazing," I said flatly.

    "Yes you are! You just don’t see the potential you hold. You’re in too dark of a place right now." Zuri persisted.

    I though about it, I know I‘m not amazing, but I‘ll play her little game. And if I am ‘amazing‘ how can I stop from being it? Would she know? "If I die, will that stop me from being amazing?" I asked. After all, this rope can’t hold me forever, can it?

    "No, if you die it’ll make you a tragedy," Zuri’s eyes were starting to take on a glassy gaze. She was near tears and I knew it; yet I still shot her that look that said ‘prove it’. "You’ll be a tragedy because everyone will think of you and remember how youthful you were; how young and reckless you were. They won’t think about the reasons behind your death. They’ll think about how you were a lost soul. How you were crying for help but no one reached out. They’ll sit there and cry, they’ll say how if only they knew, they would have given you their hand. You need to get your head out of the gutter, Alex."

    A tragedy, eh? At least I’d be remembered, being a tragedy really doesn’t seem that bad, I thought. I’d be free from this world, free from all the pain of my past. She must have seen the look of my face, for she said, "Alex, you’re much more than a tragedy. You have potential, great potential. You may not be able to see it right now, but everyone else around you can. You know I’m here for you. I’ll do anything in my power I can to help you; but you need to be willing to help yourself. You can have all the help in the world at your finger tips; however, if you’re not ready for the help it won’t make a damned difference." She was becoming frustrated. I didn’t mean to upset her, really I didn’t. It’s just the way I am, you know? I tend to do things like this all the time, at least, it seems that way. Anyway, that’s when things started to look up. Zuri always had this way of opening my eyes, making me see the light. I swear, if there is a heaven, she was sent as my guardian angel. Why God would care so much for someone like me I never knew, but he did the day he sent me her. She made me look back into my past, as much as I didn’t want to. She’s right, I had changed; and not for the better either. After Brett’s death everything went downhill. I know that I told you that I understood it, and that I knew he meant well, it’s just that things weren’t the same after his death. When he left, he took a piece of me with him. A piece I’ll never be able to get back. Sometimes he makes me so angry; furious beyond belief, if you want to know the truth. How could he have done something so damned selfish!? Once I calm down, I realize that he wasn’t doing it to hurt me or anyone else. It was just his way.

    I couldn’t believe the predicament I managed to get myself into. Here I was, thinking about killing myself as well. As if my parents hadn’t gone through enough pain with Brett’s death. How could I ever do this to them? Another son dead? No, it wasn’t fair. I needed to snap out of this, and I needed to snap out of it fast. I couldn’t let myself dig this hole any deeper, and I certainly could not bury myself in it. I looked up at Zuri, and she knew. She knew even before the words left my mouth; either my eyes gave me away, or she simply knew me that well. "Zuri," I whispered, on the verge of tears, "I need you to help me; to… help me get better. I’m so lost… I don’t know what to do with myself. God… I miss Brett so much…" and there it was, a waterfall of tears. They poured from my eyes, as if a gate had been holding them there for years, unwilling to let them fall. But now they came, in a rush, and all at once.

    She held me in her arms and just let me cry. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. Never in my life had I felt so alone and confused. Never had I felt more vulnerable; and there she was. Picking up the pieces of my shattered soul.

     

    Brett is- er, was my twin brother. He was amazing and beautiful. I know that sounds weird, calling another guy beautiful and all. But he really was, all the girls loved him, heck, even guys loved him. He was everyone's favourite. He had shoulder length, and jet black hair. His bands swept gracefully across his forehead, always beautifully in place. It was so straight and perfect. God, he spent so much damn time on his hair; he had to check it constantly. No joke, it was like he was OCD about it. I swear to God, maybe he was OCD. Who knows, no one ever will now, I guess. He had the bluest eyes anyone had ever seen, they were blue like the ocean is deep. They had the most depth I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes. They were like a black hole, sucking you in, you could never look away from them once he had you locked in his stare. They held this unknown apprehension. He had this understanding, an understanding of people. He knew them so well, he could play them like cards. When Brett and I were younger, mum said that’s how she used to tell us apart- by our eyes. Mine held naivety, and innocence, she’d say, and Brett’s were skeptical. She said he’d look at you like you had three heads, he could always tell when someone was lying to him. He had the type of smile that could light up a room. Girls fell head over heels in love with him when they saw him smile. When he smiled, his eyes danced with joy.

    Brett and I were very alike, but at the same time so different. He’s schizophrenic. It wasn’t as bad as most people say. He hated talking about it, but he told me once, about the things he sometimes sees. They never scared him. When we were young, he had- what we thought was an imaginary friend. His name was Eddy, he was our age. Brett said Eddy never did anything bad. Sometimes Eddy would dare him to do silly things and Brett would do them, but they mostly just played. As he got older, Eddy disappeared and then came Ryan. Ryan was the complete opposite of Eddy; luckily, he didn’t come often. He’d tell Brett terrible things. Brett wouldn’t tell me everything Ryan said to him, but he told me that Ryan once told him to kill himself. At that point, we knew he was schizophrenic, and it wasn’t just his imagination. Mum and dad had taken him to see doctors and the such, but because it happened so rarely, they didn’t make him take medicine for it. Also, they were worried about it hurting his psyche. Anything they could do to prevent that, they did. So if Ryan were to ever come around and tell Brett to kill himself or to hurt others he was told to tell someone was Ryan was saying. He sometimes did, most of the time he’d ignore Ryan. They’d get into awful screaming fights, well, Brett would anyway. I assume that Ryan screamed back at him, but I’m not entirely sure. I thought Brett was doing okay, you know? He wasn’t talking about Ryan much anymore, we all assumed that he finally decided to leave Brett alone. I guess we were wrong…

    It happened last summer, we were hanging out together, like we always do. We were at the park; Brett loved to go to the park. It's such a beautiful place. There are swing sets, a kiddie one and one for the older kids. There was a jungle gym of sorts- it was like a castle. That's what we used to call it, actually, The Castle. It was so grand, there were so many ways to get to the top, it could keep a kid entertained for hours. Brett and I were too old and too big for that though, whenever we'd go in it, we'd always have to crouch down when climbing up, and sort of kneel when inside of it. The slides weren't as much fun as they were when we were younger, so there wasn't much point of going on it. It was cool and all, we were just too old. So all we ever did at the park was lay in the grass and look up at the clouds. Sometimes we'd talk and sometimes we wouldn't say anything.

    "Zuri's really something else," Brett sighed. "She really likes you, I mean it too, I know she does."

    I shot him a glance, but he wasn't looking. He was concentrating on the shape of some cloud in the sky. "No she doesn't." I said, with a bit of an edge in my voice. Brett always brought Zuri up, you'd think the guy was in love with her. It always annoyed me when he tried to tell me that she likes me. It's not that I don't like her or anything, Zuri is my best friend. She's really great. She has chestnut brown hair, it's somewhere in-between waves and being straight. Not the kind that some girls have that looks terrible. No, Zuri's hair is beautiful. It flows past her shoulders and she has bangs that cut straight across her forehead, they end just above her eyes. Her eyes are brown too, and round. She has such innocent eyes, you'd swear she could do no harm. She has a thin frame, not the kind where it's just all arms and legs, she's beautiful, really beautiful. I always thought she looked best without any makeup at all, she always wore too much. She thought it made her look better, I haven’t a clue why. Not that she looked bad with it on, she just looked better without it. She always wears eyeliner, it’s thick and black. Her blush is swept across her cheeks like that of a porcelain doll. She probably will always be the guys all the girls go after, she’s just that beautiful.

    "Come one now, don't tell me you don't see it. The girl adores you! She practically throws herself at you. Everyone in the school, heck, the WORLD knows it! It's pretty impossible to miss. Her eyes light up with joy when you talk to her- even when you glance at her!" Brett said, a bit annoyed about how I denied it.

    I sighed. "Mum's expecting us home soon, we should head back."

    He glared at me for a second, he hated when I changed the subject on him, especially when he wasn't done talking about it. Thankfully he let it drop though. "Yeah, yeah. Mummy's little boy, huh?" He was on edge that day, but I just ignored it. He sometimes got like that, every once in a while. Probably just stress or nerves.

    We started walking back to the house, the entire time teasing each other. He was starting to cheer up, I was glad. I hate to see Brett when he's down. It makes me so sad sometimes, I just want him to be happy, you know? Most people aren't as close with their siblings as Brett and I are. We're more like best friends than anything else. Sure, we bicker back and forth often, but in the end, I wouldn't want anyone else as my brother- or best friend. When we entered the house, mum called for us.

    "Brett, Alex! Go wash up. Dinner is ready and the table it set. You two are in charge of clearing it this evening since your father and I made dinner and set the table." she informed us. Damn, I cursed under my breath. I really hated clearing the table after dinner, I really don't know why but I do. I don't mind setting the table or anything, it's just having to pick up all the dirty plates and washing the dishes- heck, we don't even have to wash the dishes. We have a dishwasher, all we need to do it rinse them. "I heard that." mum said, unhappy with my language. She's very strict on the way we speak, damn isn't even a bad word, but she flips every time she hears it. I guess it's just the way she is. Anyway, Brett and I headed towards the bathroom. He got it first, he usually did. But I didn't mind. I was kind of in the thinking mood. I couldn't seem to get Zuri off my mind now; so I just leaned against the wall and thought about her. Her laughter is like music to my ears, she has the most amazing voice as well. It's just so soft. It's not whiny in anyway. It flows so nicely. She moved out here from England when she was twelve. She doesn't speak with any slang whatsoever, she finds it makes her sound like a brute. She could never sound like a brute, but I do dislike English slang. Anyway, her accent has faded some, which I don't mind, because now her accent is just subtly in there. It was a bit hard to understand before, because it was so damn thick. When she gets excited or angry that's when it comes out the most, that‘s when it becomes hard to understand her. But I love it. Truth is, I really do like Zuri. I just want her to tell me, rather than Brett.

    "Dude, stop day dreaming, will you?" he laughed, "What'cha thinking 'bout?" He teased.

    I punched him in the arm, not hard, just playfully. "Nothing." I mused. He laughed at me and walked off, he probably knew, but he wasn't going to say anything. So I went into the bathroom and washed my hands. the hot water felt so nice on my skin. It was refreshing. Afterwards, I splashed my face with some of it as well. It revived me a little bit. It also helped to take my mind off Zuri.

    "Alex, hurry up. Your dinner is getting cold." mum called.

    "Coming!" I shouted after her.

    Brett was unusually quiet this evening. Normally he talks up a storm at dinner. Something was up with him, but none of us really paid much attention to it. He got like that sometimes. After dinner Brett and I cleared the table, rinsed the dished and put them in the dishwasher. We didn't speak much, neither of us were really in the mood I guess. It was just one of those evenings. Brett's bad mood had kind of rubbed off on me, it usually did. Once we finished he retired to his room, probably to do some reading or to play online. I didn't go to mine right away though, I watched some TV first. Not for long though, there wasn't anything I felt like watching on. So I went to my room and passed the rest of the evening playing on my computer and talking to some of my friends online. I retired early because there was school the next day; I'm not much of a morning person, and I tend to need a lot of sleep. Well, I don't really need a lot, I just enjoy sleeping a lot. It's so much nicer to wake up and feel rested than it is to wake up and feel like you need to go back to sleep all over again.

     

     

    "Alex, get up. Time for school." mum crooned.

    "Hmm?" I said, somewhat delusional. I was still half asleep.

    Mum laughed, "Come on, lazy bum. Get out of bed and get ready for school. Wake your brother up as well. I'm running a bit late today."

    "M'mm, yeah. Alright." I said, getting out of bed a little short of enthusiastic. I dragged my feet until I got to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth before getting Brett up. He always took ages in the bathroom and I wanted to at least get that done while I had the chance. "Hey, Brett! Wake up!" I shouted from where I stood. He didn't answer. I walked into his room, figuring that he was just ignoring me. He sometimes did that, he wasn't much more of a morning person than I was to tell you the truth. "Brett! Wake up, will yeah?" I said, kind of irritated that he had ignored me. He didn’t move. "Brett! Wake up!" I stood there, still shouting at him. This is probably some stupid joke, I thought to myself. Watch, I walk over, it’s pillows under the blankets to look like he’s sleeping there and he’ll jump out of the closet. Fine, I’ll play along. I mused. I walked over to his, but it wasn’t pillows laying there, it was actually Brett. I shook him, "Brett! Get up! You’ll be late and you won’t have enough time to do your hair." I said with amusement. He didn’t move or make a sound. I took a step back. "Brett…" my voice trailed off.

    "MUM!" I shouted, running from Brett’s bedroom.

    "Brett up yet?" she asked.

    "Mum, something’s wrong with Brett. He’s not answering when I call him… I… I shook him too, but he didn’t even stir…" I was panicking. Mum’s eyes grew large, her mouth gapped; she pushed past me and ran into Brett’s bedroom.

    "Brett sweetie, get up. It’s time for school." she said softly. I doubt he’d wake up to that, if he didn’t wake up to my shouting- I tend to shout rather loud as well. "Brett. Come on, sweetie. It’s time for school." she tried again, shaking him softly. No response. She burst into sobs. "Alex, call the ambulance now!" she said through gasps of breath.

    I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the telephone, I dialled it as quick as I could. I rushed through everything I told them, barely breathing. I had to repeat it. "Get here, fast. Please." I said, my voice cracking.

    "We’ll be there as fast as we can, sir. Stay calm." responded the operator.

    "How long will it be?" I urged.

    "At least five minutes, sir." How the hell can they be so damn calm in a situation like this!? I thought, don’t they realize the urgency! Don’t they realize that my brother is dead!?

    I muttered thanks, and hung up the phone. Then, I rang my dad. He has already left for the office. "Dad… Brett’s dead." I trailed, again.

    I could almost see his eyes grow wide and his mouth drop. I could almost see him shaking. "What?" He echoed.

    "Brett… he’s dead… he wouldn’t wake up for school this morning…" my voice broke into sobs. "Dad, he won’t wake up. Why won’t he wake up!?" I was in hysterics now.

    "I’ll be right there," he said. "Alex, go see your mother, sit with her and wait for me. Did you call an ambulance?"

    I nodded. I don’t know why I did, not like he could see me nodding over the phone. But somehow he knew. "I’ll be there as soon as I can." He doesn’t work far from the house, just about a five minute drive, at most.

    I walked back into Brett’s bedroom and sat down next to mum. She was just sitting there, looking so helpless. I’ve never seen her look so weak before. Normally she has this strong persona, like she can tackle anything. Heck, she can tackle anything. I wish I was half as strong as my mum. Right now, however, she looked anything but strong. She looks like a little girl who lost her dog, her best friend. She was holding Brett’s lifeless hand, humming his favourite lullaby. Then she started to sing, "Hush now baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s gonna buy you a rocking horse…" It was so soft and quiet I could barely hear her. I leaned my held on her shoulder and threw my arms around her waist. She needed me more than ever now, and I needed her more than ever. She continued to hum, softly, slowly; his favourite lullaby. He used to always ask for her to sing him to sleep. She kept holding his hand. Her grip would grow tighter and then she’d loosen up, over and over again. We were still sitting like this when dad came in. He froze. Never have I seen him so distraught, never have I seen him look so weak. If it was possible, he may have looked weaker than mum. He looked like a little boy who had lost his mum in the shopping centre. Him and mum just looked at each other, their sad eyes connected. He rushed over to us, and hugged us both at once. He cried, mum cried, I cried. We were still sitting like that when the paramedics came in. They ushered us out of the room so that way they may see if Brett has any vitals and to take his body away. We sat huddled on the living room couch, the couch I had just sat in yesterday, watching the telly, while Brett was playing on his computer. The same black, leather couch that Brett and I used to jump on together when we were young. The same couch Brett and I sat on with our first girlfriends. I couldn’t sit there any longer, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Brett and I had done together, I couldn’t stop thinking about Brett. I stood up and walked over to the phone. Mum and dad didn’t say anything, I think they knew.

    I rang Zuri. I told her, barely above a whisper.

    "I’m on my way." She said and then hung up. I cradled the phone for a moment longer and then set it on the receiver. Not long after did Zuri burst through the front door. She walked into the front hallway and quietly took in the scene. She rushed to my side, thank god she did, my knees were going weak and I was about to topple over. She helped me keep my balance and walked me over to the sofa opposite to my parents. I couldn’t even sit up by myself. I leaned on her while she held me in her arms. She cried with him, and whispered into my ear, she held me together. Just then, the paramedics emerged from Brett’s room, they had a grim expression to them. The taller, dark haired one asked mum and dad a few general questions about Brett. And then he turned to all of us, rubbed his eyes and told us that Brett was gone. That they did everything they could, but they wouldn’t be able to get him back. He said that he suspected an over dose, he wasn’t sure on what, but he said the autopsy would reveal that. He gave us his condolences and followed the younger, blonde paramedic into Brett’s bedroom with a stretcher. It took them a couple of minutes to get Brett’s body onto it, but when they wheeled him out, they had his covered with a white blanket- head to toe.

     

     

    The following few days passed by the same. Zuri left once, but only to return with clean clothes for her to wear. I didn’t attend school for two days, neither did Zuri, she stayed right by my side. I don’t know what I would have done without her.

    On the third day following Brett’s death, Zuri and I returned to school. Already, most people knew what had happened. Word travels fast in a small town. Most people looked away or looked down when they saw me. Some came and gave me their condolences, others offered their sympathy and hugged me. I know they meant no harm, they simply wanted to make sure I was okay, but it was hard enough as it was. I didn’t need everyone shoving it in my face everyday. Looking back on it now, I must have been quite the sight. Eyes rimmed red from tears that would not seem to cease, dark circles from lack of sleep, dishevelled hair. I was an utter mess, Zuri wasn’t much better. She didn’t even wear any of her makeup. I guess she didn’t see the point, considering how by the end of the day, her black eyeliner would be stained to her cheeks from tears. She still looked beautiful though. I think it was then that I realized how much Zuri meant to me. How much I needed her, how I couldn’t live without her. I realized then how much I truly admired her, how strong she really is. Not only did she manage to keep herself somewhat compose, but she kept me together, she was gluing together my shattered soul, she was putting the pieces back in place.

    Brett’s funeral went by much the same. Zuri sat with me and my family in the front, afterwards, everyone went downstairs for refreshments and to give their condolences. Kids from school showed up, family friends came. They all lined up and hugged us one by one and told us how sorry they are for our loss. I didn’t say anything, I mostly muttered thanks. The entire time I was bursting though, bursting to shout out that I was sorry as well. Bursting to just break down and cry; but I could never bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to lose what little composure I had left in front of all these people. Regardless if they are friends. I already looked a mess, I didn’t need to act it as well. I could hardly stand straight. I was so weak from lack of sleep, lack of food- my body was shouting out for help. My knees were weak, my head was heavy, my limbs felt limp. Everything about it was all wrong, this was all wrong. I kept thinking that maybe if someone pinched me, I’d wake up from the horrible dream. Or I’d snap out of this dazed faze. I kept thinking that Brett was going to walk through the doors at any moment. I kept looking towards the doors, people glanced around nervously, they weren’t sure if they should be expecting anything. You should be expecting to see Brett come home, I kept thinking. Come on Brett, I’ve had enough of this game now. You can come out from hiding, I don’t want to play anymore, I urged. But he never came out. That evening, when Zuri and I were laying on my bed, cuddled together, I asked her if she’d pinch me.

    "What?" she said, surprised by my odd request.

    "Please Zuri, if you pinch me, maybe I’ll wake up from this horrible nightmare. It’s all a dream, don’t you see? I just need you to pinch me, and it’ll all be okay." I pleaded. She gave me the saddest look I’ve ever seen, but she pinched me nonetheless. I closed my eyes, and then opened them, but everything was the same. I was still lying in bed, clung to Zuri, I was still a dishevelled mess, I was still hurting. I shook my head and began to cry once more. Zuri held me even more tightly, she brought me closer to her. I could hear her heart beat. I remember that it was irregular, it was pounding so hard. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead.

    "It’ll be okay," she whispered. "I’m here, don’t worry. I’m not going to go away either." I started to really sob, heaving and everything. I could hardly breathe. I held onto her tightly, my fingers digging into her back. She didn’t seem to mind though, at least she didn’t say anything. She simply laid there with me, running her fingers through my hair. Everything almost felt okay when she held me, and ran her fingers through my hair. Everything almost felt normal, it felt so right to be here with Zuri.

    I looked up at her, and gazed into her deep brown eye, they were rimmed red like mine, makeup-less, she was a beautiful mess. "I love you." I whispered. Tears fell from her eyes and down her cheeks.

    "I love you too." she whispered.

    We didn’t say anything more after that. We just laid there, in each others embrace. Crying a little bit every now and then, but mostly just laying there. In fact, we both fell asleep like that. I could have stayed wrapped in her arms forever.

     

     

     

     

     

    As much as I hoped it wouldn’t, I knew this day would come. I knew I’d have to do this sooner or later. After all, having all of his stuff just sitting there, staring us in the face everyday was certainly not helping. Every time I walked past his room, I swear I could see him sitting in front of his computer. Or laying on his bed texting, even reading for that matter. I guess we were all hoping that going through his things would be some sort of closure, something that’d help all of us heal in a way. Not that we’d ever be the same again, but maybe it’d help to close the wound. Right now, it was simply adding salt to it. The following day, we all sat around in Brett’s room. It was time to sort his things; put some of it into boxes and others we’d keep around the house, or for ourselves as a sort of nostalgia. It saddened me to think that most of his stuff would be put into cardboard boxes and stored in either the garage or the basement. How could we just discard it like that? Well, maybe we weren’t discarding it, but still, it wouldn’t feel the same having his room empty. In all, I’m not really sure what would be better. Having his stuff laying out all over the place- exactly where he left it, or putting it away since now it was of no use to anyone else. I guess there are good and bad aspects to it. I just wished, and still so wish, with my entire being that Brett was still alive. That way we’d never have to do this. I’m not sure which was worse, putting Brett’s stuff away, or burying his body. Both sucked equally. Anyway, the four of us all stood in Brett’s room, just standing there looking at everything.

    "We had better get started," mum said, grimly.

    "Yeah," I sighed. We all sort of shuffled around the room, touching very few things. Dad was the first one to really get started. He started folding up Brett’s blankets, I stopped him, "Dad, can I have those for my room?" I asked, hesitantly. He stood there for a second, looked at them and then at me, nodded and tossed them in my direction. I held onto them tightly, Zuri asked if I wanted them laid on my bed, I nodded, reluctantly. Truth is, I didn’t want to let go of them. They smelt so much like him. She took them from me carefully and left the room. After that, we all sort of jumped in and start going through his things. Hopefully we’d get this all done today so that way we wouldn’t all have to go through this tomorrow. I started to sort the things on Brett’s bureau when I noticed a manila envelope just sitting there. I picked it up. It had my name scribble on it, it was Brett’s handwriting too.

    "What’s that?" Zuri asked, curiously.

    "It’s- it’s a letter…from Brett, I think." I fumbled with my words. I began to open it, he didn’t seal it shut with his saliva, he simply folded the flap into the envelope. I opened it, it was Brett’s suicide letter. I simply stood there shocked when I realized what it was, I hadn’t even read it yet, but I knew what it was. Finally, I forced myself to concentrate on the words, rather than the letter itself.

    Dear Alex,

    I’m done hiding things from you, dad and mum. I’m pouring my heart and soul out into this letter, please, if it’s the last thing you do- forgive me. I didn’t want to hurt you, especially not like this. Please understand.

    I could say sorry a thousand times, but it wouldn’t change what I’ve done. I know it was terribly selfish, but hear me out; please. I couldn’t hold on anymore. I know I should have reached out for help, but I couldn’t do it. I knew it wasn’t going to get any better, sure they could have given me all the anti-psychotics in the damn world, but that simply would have dulled all my sense; I don’t want to go through life dulled on medicine. I can’t do that. I want to experience everything to it’s fullest, not only half of what I should feel, and that’s what they would have done to me.

    I’m sorry. I know you guys all think Ryan went away, but he didn’t. He was still there, I just tried to ignore him. He hated when I ignored him. He simply got louder. He was so loud, Alex. He was screaming in my ears, telling me to listen to him. He told me if I didn’t my soul would be damned to hell. You know I don’t believe in God or the Devil, but I was scared. What if there really is a god out there? I should listen to Ryan, right? He was sent from God after all, well that’s what he told me, anyway. He was God’s angel. He told me that God was calling me back home, that I wasn’t meant for this world. He said that my soul would be damned to hell if I didn’t do as he told me. He said, "I’ll save your wretched soul. But you must listen to my exact words. If not, well, enjoy the heat, little boy." How could I ignore that? He let me right this letter, I had to plea with him though, I told him that I had to at least tell you that I was going to be okay. That I’d be in heaven and my soul would be safe, safe from the devil. Ryan said I would soon be possessed if I didn’t listen to him…

    I was in over my head; I was drowning. My life wasn’t going to get any better, I know I’m young, and I know things change, I realize that, but what if they didn’t? What if I really was damned to hell. He told me I had three days to consider his offer, and if I chose not to take it, I’d be screwed- more or less. So I took it. It was my final day, I really did think hard about it. That’s why I was so sullen at dinner, I wish now I had spoken more and enjoyed it more. But it’s too late for that. I’m just sorry I couldn’t tell you this myself and that I had to do it in a letter. Ryan said they would lock me up, and if that happened than I was really cursed…

    You’re stronger than I ever was. You have such determination and potential, Alex. You’re going places in life, keep your chin up. Don’t let yourself drown like me. You have it all at your finger tips. Please, don’t think about this incident when you think of me. Think of all the good times we had and rejoice in them. Don’t be sad about my death. Just think about how happy I was, how great my life was; please. If you had been feeling the way I was, I know you would understand this more. It’s going to take a while for you to be okay with all this, I understand that. But just remember, I’m up in heaven now- watching you guys; looking after you guys. Nothing will harm you, I promise. Please, just don’t hate me. That’s the last thing I’d ever want.

    I really did hold on as long as I possibly could. Ryan’s screaming at me to get this over with, that the clock is running out. Sometimes as long as you can isn’t always long enough. I love you. I know I don’t tell you that often enough, but I do. I love you more than you could ever imagine.

    If you disregard this entire letter, please just do this one thing for me. Keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. Don’t drown in the depths of sorrow; you can push through this- I know you. Please, stay strong- if not for me, than for mum and dad. They really need you right now, you’re their only son. I don’t think they could handle losing you as well.

    Tell mum and dad that I love them. Tell them they were perfect parents, I couldn’t have asked for better ones. They did everything they could and they did all of it the right way. They didn’t do a single thing wrong. This was my destiny. Ryan had too much of a hold on me, I was lost within his presence. Remind them whenever they’re or you’re feeling down that it wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever think you did anything wrong, don’t ever think you could have done something different. Don’t blame yourselves. This is solely my mistake and I will carry the burden- not you guys. Always remember that.

    I’ll always be with you in your heart and I’ll visit in your dreams. My memories will live on even though I’m gone.

    I love you guys,

    Brett.

    P.S. - Alex, I know you’re head over heals for Zuri and I KNOW she’s head over heals for you. GET TOGETHER. Don’t make me come out of my grave and yell at the two of you. Haha. Too soon? I know you’ll marry her someday, I can feel it. If she’s the kind of girl that I know she is, she’s with you right now. Probably even reading over your shoulder. Tell her I said hello and that I miss her. Once again, I love you.

    They say time heals all wounds, but I beg to differ. Time won’t heal your wounds; it simply makes them easier to deal with, and to think about. There are certain things in life that you’ll never forget or manage to get over. This is one of them. It’s not like my pet hamster died, or the dog had to be put down, this was my brother; not some pet. Some things will live inside you forever; some memories never disappear. I never want to forget my brother. You see, my biggest fear in life is forgetting, without a past you have no future. I don’t want to not have a future, that’s why I must let it live on. I will not bury Brett’s death deep inside my heart, no, I’ll do as he asked me to do- not be sad; I’ll rejoice in the memories we shared.

    Some things will plague you forever, I know this has, and will, plague me. It’s changed my life- maybe for the better, maybe for the worst. Time will tell. Right now, I may not be all that grounded, I may be slightly torn, but I’m working on it; I’m trying to fix the mess I made of myself. I know if Brett were alive today, he’d be strong. He’d tell me to get a grip of myself and to smarten the hell up. He was like that, he wasn’t afraid to tell you the truth about anything. Honesty is the best policy; that was his motto. He always told people not to ask for his opinion unless they wanted his honest opinion. I wear Brett’s favourite bracelet everyday. I don’t go anywhere without it; I don’t go anywhere without him. I never want his presence to leave me.

     

    Zuri held me in her arms and let me cry. I must have cried enough for the both of us that day. I hated being upset around Zuri, I really did. She means the world to me. You see, after Brett’s death- when I told Zuri that I loved her, I meant it. We’re together now, and I hope we always will be.

    "Zuri- I’m so sorry…" I sobbed.

    "Don’t be, it’ll be okay. You just need time to heal. It’ll be okay." She murmured into my ear. She was running her fingers through my hair, like she always did when I was upset. It gave me a sense of comfort, comfort in knowing she was there. "I’m here for you every step of the way, Alex. Don’t forget that." I won’t forget that, I thought. I buried myself deeper into Zuri’s arms and tried to forget- forget about all the pain I was feeling, forget about all the bad things I’ve done. I knew I wouldn’t forget it, per say, but maybe I could forgive and let live. I was healing, I could feel it.

    "Zuri…" I trailed off, I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I always hated trailing off, but now it seems that that’s all I do.

    "Yes, Alex?" she whispered.

    "I love you," I started, "Thank you so much, Zuri. You mean the world to me, don’t forget that, Kay?" I was gazing into her eyes now, and she was gazing back into mine. I wanted her to see that I really did mean it, that it wasn’t just words to me. Now it was her turn to cry. I hated making her cry, I always seem to be hurting her. My heart sank.

    "Alex…" she whispered, "I love you too; so much." she kissed my forehead. Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong after all. I guess this time I actually did something right- for once.

     

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

  • lalala, Alexx.

    "I’m not amazing," I said flatly.

    "Yes you are! You just don’t see the potential you hold. You’re in too dark of a place right now." Zuri persisted.

    I thought about it for a couple of minutes. How does she know? What if I don't want to be amazing? Can I stop it? "If I die, will that stop me from being amazing?" I asked.  After all, this rope can’t hold me forever, can it?

    "No, if you die it’ll make you a tragedy," Zuri’s eyes were starting to take on a glassy gaze. She was near tears and I knew it; yet I still shot her that look that said ‘prove it’. "You’ll be a tragedy because everyone will think of you and remember how youthful you were; how young and reckless you were. They won’t think about the reasons behind your death. They’ll think about how you were a lost soul. How you were crying for help but no one reached out. They’ll sit there and cry, they’ll say how if only they knew, they would have given you their hand. You need to get your head out of the gutter, Alex."

    A tragedy, eh? At least I’d be remembered, being a tragedy really doesn’t seem that bad, I thought. I’d be free from this world, free from all the pain of my past. She must have seen the look of my face, for she said, "Alex, you’re much more than a tragedy. You have potential, great potential. You may not be able to see it right now, but everyone else around you can. You know I’m here for you. I’ll do anything in my power I can to help you; but you need to be willing to help yourself. You can have all the help in the world at your finger tips; however, if you’re not ready for the help it won’t make a damned difference." She was becoming frustrated. I didn’t mean to upset her, really I didn’t. It’s just the way I am, you know? I tend to do things like this all the time, at least, it seems that way. Anyway, that’s when things started to look up. Zuri always had this way of opening my eyes, making me see the light. I swear, if there is a heaven, she was sent as my guardian angel. Why God would care so much for someone like me I never knew, but he did the day he sent me her. She made me look back into my past, as much as I didn’t want to. She’s right, I had changed; and not for the better either. After Brett’s death everything went downhill. I know that I told you that I understood it, and that I knew he meant well, it’s just that things weren’t the same after his death. When he left, he took a piece of me with him. A piece I’ll never be able to get back. Sometimes he makes me so angry; furious beyond belief, if you want to know the truth. How could he have done something so damned selfish!? Once I calm down, I realize that he wasn’t doing it to hurt me or anyone else. It was just his way.

    I couldn’t believe the predicament I managed to get myself into. Here I was, thinking about killing myself as well. As if my parents hadn’t gone through enough pain with Brett’s death. How could I ever do this to them? Another son dead? No, it wasn’t fair. I needed to snap out of this, and I needed to snap out of it fast. I couldn’t let myself dig this hole any deeper, and I certainly could not bury myself in it. I looked up at Zuri, and she knew. She knew even before the words left my mouth; either my eyes gave me away, or she simply knew me that well. "Zuri," I whispered, on the verge of tears, "I need you to help me; to… help me get better. I’m so lost… I don’t know what to do with myself. God… I miss Brett so much…" and there it was, a waterfall of tears. They poured from my eyes, as if a gate had been holding them there for years, unwilling to let them fall. But now they came, in a rush, and all at once.

    She held me in her arms and just let me cry. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. Never in my life had I felt so alone and confused. Never had I felt more vulnerable; and there she was. Picking up the pieces of my shattered soul.

     

    Brett is- er, was my twin brother. He was amazing and beautiful. I know that sounds weird, calling another guy beautiful and all. But he really was, all the girls loved him, heck, even guys loved him. He was everyone's favourite. He had shoulder length, and jet black hair. His bands swept gracefully across his forehead, always beautifully in place. It was so straight and perfect. God, he spent so much damn time on his hair; he had to check it constantly. No joke, it was like he was OCD about it. I swear to God, maybe he was OCD. Who knows, no one ever will now, I guess. He had the bluest eyes anyone had ever seen, they were blue like the ocean is deep. They had the most depth I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes. They were like a black hole, sucking you in, you could never look away from them once he had you locked in his stare. They held this unknown apprehension. He had this understanding, an understanding of people. He knew them so well, he could play them like cards. When Brett and I were younger, mum said that’s how she used to tell us apart- by our eyes. Mine held naivety, and innocence, she’d say, and Brett’s were skeptical. She said he’d look at you like you had three heads, he could always tell when someone was lying to him. He had the type of smile that could light up a room. Girls fell head over heels in love with him when they saw him smile. When he smiled, his eyes danced with joy.

    Brett and I were very alike, but at the same time so different. He’s schizophrenic. It wasn’t as bad as most people say. He hated talking about it, but he told me once, about the things he sometimes sees. They never scared him. When we were young, he had- what we thought was an imaginary friend. His name was Eddy, he was our age. Brett said Eddy never did anything bad. Sometimes Eddy would dare him to do silly things and Brett would do them, but they mostly just played. As he got older, Eddy disappeared and then came Ryan. Ryan was the complete opposite of Eddy; luckily, he didn’t come often. He’d tell Brett terrible things. Brett wouldn’t tell me everything Ryan said to him, but he told me that Ryan once told him to kill himself. At that point, we knew he was schizophrenic, and it wasn’t just his imagination. Mum and dad had taken him to see doctors and the such, but because it happened so rarely, they didn’t make him take medicine for it. Also, they were worried about it hurting his psyche. Anything they could do to prevent that, they did. So if Ryan were to ever come around and tell Brett to kill himself or to hurt others he was told to tell someone was Ryan was saying. He sometimes did, most of the time he’d ignore Ryan. They’d get into awful screaming fights, well, Brett would anyway. I assume that Ryan screamed back at him, but I’m not entirely sure. I thought Brett was doing okay, you know? He wasn’t talking about Ryan much anymore, we all assumed that he finally decided to leave Brett alone. I guess we were wrong…

    It happened last summer, we were hanging out together, like we always do. We were at the park; Brett loved to go to the park. It's such a beautiful place. There are swing sets, a kiddie one and one for the older kids. There was a jungle gym of sorts- it was like a castle. That's what we used to call it, actually, The Castle. It was so grand, there were so many ways to get to the top, it could keep a kid entertained for hours. Brett and I were too old and too big for that though, whenever we'd go in it, we'd always have to crouch down when climbing up, and sort of kneel when inside of it. The slides weren't as much fun as they were when we were younger, so there wasn't much point of going on it. It was cool and all, we were just too old. So all we ever did at the park was lay in the grass and look up at the clouds. Sometimes we'd talk and sometimes we wouldn't say anything.

    "Zuri's really something else," Brett sighed. "She really likes you, I mean it too, I know she does."

    I shot him a glance, but he wasn't looking. He was concentrating on the shape of some cloud in the sky. "No she doesn't." I said, with a bit of an edge in my voice. Brett always brought Zuri up, you'd think the guy was in love with her. It always annoyed me when he tried to tell me that she likes me. It's not that I don't like her or anything, Zuri is my best friend. She's really great. She has chestnut brown hair, it's somewhere in-between waves and being straight. Not the kind that some girls have that looks terrible. No, Zuri's hair is beautiful. It flows past her shoulders and she has bangs that cut straight across her forehead, they end just above her eyes. Her eyes are brown too, and round. She has such innocent eyes, you'd swear she could do no harm. She has a thin frame, not the kind where it's just all arms and legs, she's beautiful, really beautiful. I always thought she looked best without any makeup at all, she always wore too much. She thought it made her look better, I haven’t a clue why. Not that she looked bad with it on, she just looked better without it. She always wears eyeliner, it’s thick and black. Her blush is swept across her cheeks like that of a porcelain doll. She probably will always be the guys all the girls go after, she’s just that beautiful.

    "Come one now, don't tell me you don't see it. The girl adores you! She practically throws herself at you. Everyone in the school, heck, the WORLD knows it! It's pretty impossible to miss. Her eyes light up with joy when you talk to her- even when you glance at her!" Brett said, a bit annoyed about how I denied it.

    I sighed. "Mum's expecting us home soon, we should head back."

    He glared at me for a second, he hated when I changed the subject on him, especially when he wasn't done talking about it. Thankfully he let it drop though. "Yeah, yeah. Mummy's little boy, huh?" He was on edge that day, but I just ignored it. He sometimes got like that, every once in a while. Probably just stress or nerves.

    We started walking back to the house, the entire time teasing each other. He was starting to cheer up, I was glad. I hate to see Brett when he's down. It makes me so sad sometimes, I just want him to be happy, you know? Most people aren't as close with their siblings as Brett and I are. We're more like best friends than anything else. Sure, we bicker back and forth often, but in the end, I wouldn't want anyone else as my brother- or best friend. When we entered the house, mum called for us.

    "Brett, Alex! Go wash up. Dinner is ready and the table it set. You two are in charge of clearing it this evening since your father and I made dinner and set the table." she informed us. Damn, cursed under my breath. I really hated clearing the table after dinner, I really don't know why but I do. I don't mind setting the table or anything, it's just having to pick up all the dirty plates and washing the dishes- heck, we don't even have to wash the dishes. We have a dishwasher, all we need to do it rinse them. "I heard that." mum said, unhappy with my language. She's very strict on the way we speak, damn isn't even a bad word, but she flips every time she hears it. I guess it's just the way she is. Anyway, Brett and I headed towards the bathroom. He got it first, he usually did. But I don't mind. I was kind of in the thinking mood. I couldn't seem to get Zuri off my mind now. So I just leaned against the wall and thought about her. Her laughter is like music to my ears, she has the most amazing voice as well. It's just so soft. It's not whiny in anyway. It flows so nicely. She moved out here from England when she was twelve. She doesn't speak with any slang whatsoever, she finds it makes her sound like a brute. She could never sound like a brute, but I do dislike english slang. Anyway, her accent has fadded some, which I don't mind, because now her accent is just subtly in there. When she gets excited or angry that's when it comes out the most, sometimes it gets hard to understand her. But I love it. Truth is, I really do like Zuri. I just want her to tell me, rather than Brett.

    "Dude, stop day dreaming, will you?" he laughed, "What'cha thinking 'bout?" He teased.

    I punched him in the arm, not hard, just playfully. "Nothing." I mused. He laughed at me and walked off, he probably knew, but he wasn't going to say anything. So I went into the bathroom and washed my hands. the hot water felt so nice on my skin. It was refreshing. Afterwards, I splashed my face with some of it as well.

    "Alex, hurry up. Your dinner is getting cold." mum called.

    "Comming!" I shouted after her.

    Brett was usually quiet this evening. Normally he talks up a storm at dinner. Something was up with him, but none of us really paid it much attention. He got like that sometimes. After dinner Brett and I cleared the table, rinsed the dished and put them in the dishwasher. We didn't speak much, neither of us were really in the mood I guess. It was just one of those evenings. Brett's bad mood kind of rubbed off on me, it usually did. Once we finished he retired to his room, probably to do some reading or to play online. I didn't go to mine right away though, I watched some t.v. first. Not for long though, there wasn't anything I felt like watching on. So I went to my room and passed the rest of the evening playing on my computer and talking to some of my friends online. I retired early because there was school the next day, I'm not much of a morning person, and I tend to need a lot of sleep. Well, I don't really need alot, I just enjoy sleeping a lot. It's so much nicer to wake up and feel rested than it is to wake up and feel like you need to go back to sleep all over again.

     

     

    "Alex, get up. Time for school." mum cooned.

    "Hmm?" I said, somewhat delusional. I was still half asleep.

    Mum laughed, "Come on, lazy bum. Get out of bed and get ready for school. Wake your brother up as well. I'm running a bit late today."

    "M'mm, yeah. Alright." I said, getting out of bed a little short of enthousiastic. I dragged my feet until I got to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth before getting Brett up. He always took ages in the bathroom and I wanted to at least get that done while I had the chance. "Hey, Brett! Wake up!" I shouted from where I stood. He didn't answer. I walked into his room, figuring that he was just ignoring me. He sometimes did that, he wasn't much more of a morning person than I was to tell you the truth.

     

     

Saturday, 14 November 2009

  • M'mm, what happend before the short story I posted last night.

    "Oh shut up!" Alex said, nudging Brett.

    "Hey man, I’m telling you, Zuri has the hots for you." Brett said innocently.

    Alex and Brett are identical twins. it’s hard to like one and not the other. They both have stunning blue eyes. Eyes that are deeper than a black hole and bluer than the sea. Alex’s eyes dance around playfully and shine in the sun. His eyes reflect his innocence. They’re trusting, young, and naïve. Brett’s on the other hand, have more apprehension; as if they’re always on the look out for lies. Slightly more dodgy and skeptical than Alex’s willing-to-believe-anything-eyes. They’re trusting, but at the same time ready to accuse you of the most treacherous crime. They have pearly white smiles, which could make even the most bitter person feel sweet. When they smile, their eyes dance with joy; even Brett’s skeptical gaze. Their nose is straight and fine. So perfect that there would be Roman architects arguing over whom would be given the honour of carving it into stone.

    Aside from their features and obvious semblance they try to look as different from each other as possible. Because they’re twins, people tend to lump them together; as if they’re the same person. They always used to be called "The Boys" or "The Twins". It made it nearly impossible for them to forge their own identity while growing up.

    Brett’s hair is nearly shoulder length. It’s jet black and straight as a pin. His bangs sweet across his forehead gracefully. Alex’s hair is much shorter than Brett’s; his lies at the base of his neck- maybe a little shorter. He doesn’t spend as much time perfecting his hair as his brother does. He likes to just wake up in the morning, brush it and get on with his day. Just like Brett’s, his is jet black and straight as a pin. However, to set themselves apart, Alex took it upon himself to die parts of his hair electric blue. Their styles are more or less the same; band t-shirts with skinny jeans and converse. Aside from their attempts to be different from the other, they still look very much the same. They’re nearly the same in height; Brett an inch or two taller than Alex- if that.

    "I don’t know how you can’t see it. Everyone else in the school, heck, the world knows it! Ever wonder why she’s always refusing dates with other guys?" Brett asked, skeptical of whether or not Alex was playing dumb or telling the truth.

    "She’s just not interested in them." He said, shrugging his shoulders.

    Brett rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, I’m so sure. If you haven’t noticed, every time you speak to her- or even look her way, her face lights up with joy," he paused, "Maybe you need glasses or something." Brett exclaimed sarcastically, shaking his head in disbelief to Alex’s constant refusal of Zuri’s affection. Zuri ’s hair flows past her shoulders with bangs that cut straight across her forehead. She wears more make up than she needs. Her eyeliner is thick and black, but highlights her eyes gorgeously. Blush is swept across her pale cheeks like that of a porcelain doll. She’s of a small build and an average height for a girl. When you first meet her, you’re either intimidated by her beauty or warmed by her smile. Most girls don’t like her due to their jealous nature; guys however, flock to be around her. When she laughs, it sounds musical; when she speaks the words flow beautifully together. She speaks in proper English with a lovely British accent. It’s not the type you’ll hear most Londoner’s use; it’s rather posh- but in a good way. She uses no slang, she believes that would make her sound more like a brute than a lady. Regardless if people are put off by her heavy makeup or if they dislike bridge piercing, she’ll always be considered gorgeous.

    Alex sighs and looks away. Although they may be identical in their aesthetics, they both have very different personalities. Alex is rather quiet. Which surprises most people because of his bold-in-your-face style. He does not like to draw attention to himself, however, he adores putting different colors in his hair, wearing chic outfits that very few can pull off. As well as his funky hair and crazy style, he has a few piercings. He has spider bites which are located on the left side of his lower lip and a septum piercing. Because of this, most people assume he loves attention; after all, he often get stared at for the way he dresses. He tends to socialize with the same people on a daily basis, more often than not it’s because he doesn’t much like people to stare at him when he’s alone. He figures he’s less likely to get noticed if he’s with a group of people rather than by himself. He’s quite reclusive, stays inside most weekends and evenings. It’s not that he’s afraid to leave his house; he just prefers not to. He doesn’t care much for people, they seem to only annoy him and cause him unnecessary stress. Brett on the other hand, loves to be around people. He’s a social butterfly. He’s always going out to a film or just to town with some friends. He tends to hang around with many people of all different cliques. He gets along with everyone, so why limit himself to only being with a few people everyday? He tends to jump from clique to clique all day. He has a rather in-your-face attitude. Not in a rude way, he’s simply firm with his opinion and won’t let people change his mind otherwise. Also, if someone is speaking badly about him to others, he has no problem confronting them and asking them if they have the balls to say it to his face, rather than to his friends. Of course, they never do. Because of this, he is rarely spoken about- at least not in a bad way. When people speak of Brett, they rain praise on him. Very few people dislike him, and if they do it’s simply because they’re jealous of his ability to converse with others.

    "Let’s go home. Mum will have diner ready by now." Alex said quietly, trying to avoid anymore confrontations involving Zuri. It’s not that he dislikes her, they’ve been best friends for as long as he can remember. He’d rather have her tell him than have other people mention it.

    "Yeah, yeah, mummy’s little boy," teased Brett. They got up from where they had been sitting at the part and continued on their path home. Most days, they stopped at the park to enjoy the beautiful blue skies and the rays of sunshine. The only time they ever came home straight from school was if one was grounded or if it was rainy or cloudy that day.

    They walked home teasing and shoving each other along the way. They were more like best friends than brothers. They rarely ever bickered. When they reached their house, their mum had already set the table for diner. She told them to go wash up and then come downstairs for it’d be ready shortly.

    "Race you to the bathroom!" shouted Brett, already getting a head start on Alex. Alex just laughed and shook his head, he knew that he had no chance of winning so he just kept on walking and waited outside the bathroom door for Brett to emerge so that he may have his turn to freshen up.

     

    M'mm, not done. I have the completed version- well ish. It's a bit shorter than this. I wrote it for my english class and received a 95 on it. But I thought it could have been much better so I started re writing it on my own time and this is where I've gotten so far. I'll add more when I write more. (y)

ShelbyDOLL

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    • Name: Shelby
    • Birthday: 8/10/1994
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 7/4/2009

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